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Do you have a child that seems impossible to potty train? A child that either has no interest or desire to use the potty consistently — especially when it comes to #2?
Potty training (or potty learning, whichever you prefer) was simply an uphill battle with my son, who is now 4-1/2. I’ve thought a lot about why this experience was so different than it was with his two older sisters, and there are a few things I can pinpoint – as well as some lessons I learned along the way.
My early experience – with girls
With each of our two girls, I started training tactics at age two and we did the cold-turkey method. I used cloth training pants (no covers even), took them to the potty consistently and they caught on very quickly.
Granted, I had been doing all the things I had been told by mom and grandma just prior to this: taking them to the potty first thing in the morning, right before bath time and any time they showed an interest. I let them watch me (not that we really have a choice, right, moms?), since modeling is important. I did what seemed natural and made potty learning a part of their daily routine.
So after the warm-up routine, we went cold turkey straight into big-girl pants and after about two weeks, our girls were pretty much fully trained. (Not at the same time- just for clarification. They are three years apart.) Night time did take a little longer, but both were wearing underwear with only occasional accidents by age 2.5.
Related Post: Why I Upped My Discipline Game after Baby #4
Training up Boys
Enter baby #3, our one and only boy. Several friends warned me that boys were harder to potty train and the process took longer than it did with their girls. I didn’t think much of this, honestly. I knew it was messy business, but we’d done it fairly easily twice before, so how hard could it be?
As it turns out, it was practically a nightmare!
We started at age 2 again. From the very beginning it was a different experience. My son had fears about sitting on the potty. We first tried the potty seat that sits on top of the regular potty; I guess the height was too much for him. (I can understand that.) He flat-out refused to sit on it.
I simply hate the little child-sized potty chairs because of the cleanup involved and the space they take up in the bathroom. I never used one with our girls. But we bought one this time around.
We started slowly as I had with the girls, just getting him used to the idea. And he did warm up to peeing on the potty, eventually. It took much longer than a week or two, and it was still hit-or-miss (literally!) even after the first few months. We even transitioned to the potty seat on the big toilet after several weeks of using the potty chair at bath and bedtime and whenever he expressed interest in going.
It makes sense to me that kids need to be able to verbalize their need to use the potty before they can be successful in training.
Otherwise, if you’re just setting timers and watching for signs, you’re not doing much more than training the parent. Fortunately, all of our kids were early talkers so that wasn’t a problem with our stubborn trainee.
Even so, every time I asked our son if he needed to poop, he would always say no and refused to sit on the potty to even try. This went on for months. He would tell me when he needed to pee – or just go by himself – but would never attempt to poop on the potty and wouldn’t be coaxed into trying either.
Other Things We Tried
At first, I would watch for cues (back to that parent-training thing), and tried to get him used to just “sitting and seeing what happens”. We tried adding in books and toys as a distraction while waiting. He had no interest in playing on the potty when he could be playing in his room instead. Crying, screaming fits would ensue so I gave up on that for periods of time and would try again every week or so.
Then I introduced rewards. Of course we had already been praising every attempt at pooping on the potty, or even sitting on it for any reason. What we found was that his interest waned after a few days, or we ran out of incentives and as soon as the M&M’s were gone, so was his motivation. Strike two.
After about 8 months from the start of our potty training adventure, I was discouraged with cleaning cloth training pants every.single.day and we went back to a mix of diapers and disposable pullups.
This theory might be true for learning to pee on the potty earlier (?), but it did nothing for us in regards to poop-training. Nada.
Related Post: Cloth Diapers vs Disposables: 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide
Then Came #4
Enter baby #4 into the mix. I said before that baby #2 was a “setback” for our oldest daughter, right? Well, if that was a setback, this new development in my son’s life was a grinding halt in the potty learning saga.
I fully gave up on all of it for a few months.
We spent a fortune in disposable pull-ups as I struggled to keep up with work, a new baby and adjusting to four kids. It was pretty much survival mode for a period of time, and potty training was the least of my worries.
Did I make things worse by this approach? Maybe. But I’m really unsure if it taking a break made a difference. Being de-throned as the “baby” in the family is an immensely rude awakening for a three-year-old which can’t be underestimated!
I’ll be honest, I think there’s a current climate that says that it doesn’t matter what age your child potty trains, just let them take the lead and it’ll happen eventually.
I completely understood that this process was going to take time. I wasn’t upset about that nearly as much as the fact that I knew he was ready to be fully potty trained.
- He was deliberate and consistent with peeing on the potty.
- He generally only pooped at home or at grandma’s (where he was comfortable) and would hold it in everywhere else.
- He would hide in his room when he knew he needed to poop.
- He would flat-out tell me he pooped in his pants and then “direct” me to clean him up.
Enough evidence? I think so. I knew my son. I knew his abilities. I also knew his awesomely stubborn personality. And I knew that there was a way to unlock this mystery of the poop-avoidance, and I was determined to figure it out.
My hunch was, at this point 2 years into “learning” — it came down to control.
It was a matter of having control over one big thing in his life at a time when he felt he needed it (ahem, baby #4).
It wasn’t just about the fact that we were spending a fortune in pullups (which we were!), it was that in a way, I knew I was holding him back from that independence which he needed to achieve – and the feeling of confidence that goes along with it.
I also needed to help him connect the dots between using the potty and the freedom of going places (like preschool this fall), and not having to worry about constipation and accidents.
You’re probably hoping I’ll get to the point about now, right? 😉
What we did that finally worked was pretty close to the “naked potty training” method, except we let him wear clothes. But we simply let him go commando underneath them.
He really resisted this at first and I had to hide his underwear.
For whatever reason, my son could care less about pooping in underwear or pullups (he treated them the same). But if there was NOTHING between him and his pants, he knew he had to use the potty.
Will this work for every child? Probably not. Would it have worked if I had done it sooner? I have no idea.
What I do know is – moms have instincts for a reason, so use them! Don’t worry about all the theories out there. You know your child. Try different things and don’t be afraid to ditch conventional wisdom now and then.
If you’re in the trenches of teaching your child a critical skill, remember to give yourself (and your child) some grace. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. They will get it eventually, with your encouragement – and sometimes a bit of creativity. 🙂